


To Fail and To Stay

by pretzelduck



Category: Professional Wrestling, 新日本プロレス | New Japan Pro-Wrestling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28788459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretzelduck/pseuds/pretzelduck
Summary: He was done.He was done with everything.It wasn't just that he was out of energy to take another step but that he wasn't sure if he cared about walking at all.  One of the very few things that Jay knew for certain was that it didn't matter where he was going.  No one was going to come looking for him and he had nowhere to go.
Relationships: Naito Tetsuya/Jay White
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Jay's POV

**Author's Note:**

> Have you ever had an idea that would not leave you alone and kept you from writing anything else until you wrote it? Well, that's what this is. :)
> 
> *takes place following this year's New Year Dash*

He was done.

He was done with everything.

It wasn't just that he was out of energy to take another step but that he wasn't sure if he cared about walking at all. One of the very few things that Jay knew for certain was that it didn't matter where he was going. No one was going to come looking for him and he had nowhere to go. Gedo had gotten him through the curtain but then he had disappeared. Of course he had.

 _Of course he had._

There should have been something ominous about that. A warning curling down his spine. The distance the rest of Bullet Club was slowly putting between him and them should have caused alarm bells to go off in his head. He knew how things worked. He knew how things ended. But caring about such things required energy he just did not have. It didn't matter any more. His last obligation was finished and Jay was no longer required to be anything other than what he was.

A failure.

How could that have happened? He'd done everything he needed to. Sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed until there was nothing else left to give. Everything should have been his. He had earned it. But no. He had nothing. He hadn't become God and he hadn't achieved his _Destino_. It was certainly not his new era. He'd even lost tonight. Ishii had pinned him. _Him_. What else was left for the universe to take away?

Jay wasn't even sure where he was right now. Which turns he had taken. Which hallways he had stumbled down. It didn't matter if he stopped right where he was. He could only be missing if anyone noticed that he wasn't there. The wall was almost cold enough to burn as he slid down it and collapsed onto the floor. His legs stretched out in front of him as he tried to find a way to breathe. It didn't feel like he had taken a deep breath since last night. Since he had lost. Everything felt shallow and hazy and it was ridiculous. He was more than this. Had been more than this. But now there was nothing left to draw from but an empty well. 

It had been more difficult than it probably should have been to wrestle tonight. Each move had felt forced like his muscles had forgotten half the steps. Each taunt had stuck to the roof of his mouth and even then, they had been only reflex. Jay wondered if he had any more words left. If he opened his mouth would anything come out other than a scream. Everything else was gone - what was one more thing?

He was so tired but he hadn't slept. There was a part of him - deep down - that was almost afraid of what he would see if he closed his eyes. Of entangled dreams and nightmares and things that could not be regained. Jay wondered how long he'd been sitting here. He had all the time in the world and nothing to do with it. Did it even matter how many minutes had passed? How many moments had come and gone?

Suddenly, there was both a thud and a presence beside him and the idea that he was paying so little attention to his surroundings that someone had gotten so close without him realizing it was equal parts dangerous and inevitable. Glancing over took less effort than moving his head but he did both when what he saw made no sense. Even blinking a few times to try and clear some of that ridiculous haze changed nothing.

"What the fuck are you doing, Naito?"

He did still have words, it seemed. 

The fact that a few words still remained for Tetsuya Naito surprised him less than it should. For a single heartbeat, Jay felt the echoes of yearning and wanting but he had enough strength left to feebly push that old ache away. Things that could not be regained. Things he too often had had to remind himself to forget.

But Naito didn't answer - that wasn't surprising either - as he adjusted and readjusted his positioning. That, at least, made sense. Now that he had remembered it was there, the floor was rather uncomfortable to sit on. Naito ended up with his legs sprawled out in front of him - their postures almost mirror images of one another. 

Staring at Naito wasn't going to get him talk - Jay knew that from experience - and it took energy he didn't have, even if the view this close-up was more than decent. So he let his gaze fall away and tried to figure out if he cared enough to worry about the answer to his question. Not really. Naito was probably just screwing with him for reasons only he knew. It was going to come back to haunt him, though. Getting back up from this floor was not going to agree with his knees - Jay figured it wasn't going to agree with his either but at least his weren't as bad off as Naito's. 

Did that mean the only thing the universe hadn't taken from him yet was his health? 

Was that what was next?

"Jay White."

The Switchblade. The Leader of Bullet Club. Jay White. That was who he was, wasn't it? He was still Jay White.

"What?"

There was enough irritation in that single word that Jay felt one corner of his mouth curl slightly upward. He could still snipe at Naito. His knees weren't falling apart and he could snipe at Naito. That was two things he still had. Damn, that was pathetic.

"You lost."

And those two words burned and howled.

"So did you."

And Jay wasn't so out of it that he had forgotten that. Naito had held the belts that Jay had _known_ were his to claim. And he'd assumed that it would be Naito that he would be taking them from. But Naito had lost and so had he. Hell, Jay was almost entirely doubtful that he would have been able to win last night no matter who his opponent was and that was a terrible and sickening thought. He hated it. He understood it but he hated it.

The silence between them wasn't too bad. There was something that might have been peaceful about it - somewhere else and in a different time. He could feel Naito's eyes on him but if he didn't have the energy to stand, then he really didn't have the strength it would take to meet that gaze right now. He didn't want to look when he had no idea what he would see. 

"I know."

The words were too close to his ear. The rumble of that voice both soothing and terrifying. Jay could feel movement next to him but still Naito remained - no longer looking at him but still there. A quick glance turned into a longer one as he realized that Naito had pulled that stupid hat of his down to cover his eyes.

What was he doing?

Was he trying to _sleep_?

Naito - for all of his _tranquilo_ attitude - wasn't an idiot. But taking a nap next to his rival was pretty high up there on a list of dumb ideas. Or had he fallen so far that he no longer posed even that much of a threat? 

Jay knew that he should be finding the energy to leave or insult or throw a punch or something. Anything other than sitting there almost mesmerized as Naito shifted a little closer until their shoulders were brushing against each other and leaned. There was another shift as his body reflexively moved to hold up that little bit of extra weight. Jay wanted to yell at him - remind him just how long he had wrestled the night before. Or move away from him - all the while trying to ignore that if it had been anyone else, he would have crawled away before they could even sit down.

But he did neither of those things.

Instead, Jay's entire world shrank to that single point of contact. The warmth that existed in comforting contrast to the icy stone against his back and beneath his body. 

He didn't have anywhere to go. 

So maybe it was all right if he just let Naito sleep.

If he leaned into that warmth a little bit and rested his head against that stupid hat. 

If he closed his eyes and took a deep breath and stayed a little longer. 


	2. Naito's POV

He wasn't done.

He wasn't done with everything just yet.

The show was over and he had ducked out of doing any interviews or answering any questions. By all rights, Tetsuya knew he should be leaving. There was nothing else he was obligated to do tonight. Except that there was still one more thing that he _needed_ to do tonight. It was weird how each footstep of his still-tired body was propelled by this almost frazzled worry. And even calling it that - using the word 'worry' - felt weird. He had no idea how many corridors and hallways there were in this building but he had to keep looking. 

Jay White _had_ to be somewhere.

It wasn't a habit of his to track down his opponents and rivals after an event. He had no reason to. This was different, though. This was after the second night of Wrestle Kingdom. After that loss… _their_ losses. And after Jay White had said the things he had said.

_I'll show up tomorrow if you want me to but after that, that's it._

Well, it was tomorrow and it was after the show so that was it. Jay White was done. But that single idea was what had Tetsuya wandering through this maze with more determination than he should be. He shouldn't be doing what he was doing at all but there was that _worry_ and something that felt almost like fear driving him forward. It wasn't like he could just disappear. Bullet Club had been loitering about backstage - nowhere near as concerned about their missing leader as they _should_ be. They were a group of liars and betrayers but they should be able to take better care of one of their own.

Especially since Jay White wasn't that difficult to find.

He was right there, slumped against a wall with his eyes staring blankly at nothing. No sign of trying to draw attention to himself or wanting to be the center of attention. He was just sitting there. And something about that look in his eyes and that posture bothered Tetsuya. 

_You love nothing more than to see me distressed… see me like this…_

He didn't.

Seeing this was wrong and it _hurt_ in a way Tetsuya didn't quite have words for. Each step brought him a little closer and with each step, he waited for those eyes to focus on him. To notice his existence. But there was nothing. Not even when he was standing right beside him looking down at that hair and beard that Tetsuya was certain was longer each time he saw him. This wasn't right. This wasn't how things worked. Usually, it was Jay demanding his attention - wanting to be his sole focus - while he did his best to pretend that he wasn't completely aware of every move and every look and every sound.

This wasn't pretending, though. This wasn't one of their games.

Tetsuya lowered himself to the ground next to Jay, wincing with each centimeter - the last few nights were catching up with him. Finally, though, it seemed like that was enough to get his attention. There was a quick glance and then his whole head turned and now Tetsuya was trying to hide his wince at how tired Jay looked.

"What the fuck are you doing, Naito?"

Not the nicest of questions but at least it sounded right. The tone aggravated and annoyed. Far better than that sullen ache that had been layered underneath every word of _that_ interview. It was difficult to find a decent position on this floor, though. Why couldn't he have found a more comfortable place to sulk?

Tetsuya waited for Jay to keep talking but he said nothing. That wasn't right, either. Jay White never shut up. Ever. He was always talking and taunting and teasing and mocking. This silence was almost unsettling. He didn't like it. And now Jay wasn't even looking at him anymore. He liked that even less. 

"Jay White."

Not even the sound of his own name could get Jay to look at him again. That was… disappointing.

"What?"

At least now he was smiling but the smile wasn't right. 

Where was the rest of it?

It wasn't that mocking, playful smile he was used to seeing. That he looked forward to seeing. There was no fun in it. Tetsuya's mind froze at that thought. How was he supposed to have fun with someone who wasn't there?

"You lost."

He waited for whichever insult Jay chose to throw at him but nothing came. The silence stretched out between them and Tetsuya hated it more with each passing second. 

"So did you."

There was so little life in those words but still, he waited for Jay to continue. There had to be more that he wanted to say. Anything. Tetsuya knew he had failed - again - but for this single moment, it wouldn't be so bad if it gave Jay a reason to keep talking. To stay right where he was. 

Nothing. Not a word.

_I don't want to do this anymore._

Jay's words from before repeated themselves in his head. He understood that feeling. He didn't like it - never had - but he understood it.

"I know."

Of course, things hadn't worked out. They never quite seemed to for him. He had wanted to face both Ibushi and Jay White. Wrestle both nights. Be in the main event of Wrestle Kingdom. The Stardust Genius and the Switchblade - the unwanted and the rejected.

So of course, he had lost and then Jay had lost. And now Tetsuya was… _worried_ that there was something else at risk of being lost.

_My destino is your destino. Your destino is my destino._

Tetsuya had heard him say it enough that sometimes he could hear that voice echo in his mind. Could hear it even when it had been months and months since they had stood across the ring from one another. The inevitability that it would be the two of them once again. 

That they were meant to be.

_Maybe my time would be better spent somewhere else._

If this really was it, would their paths ever cross again? Would he ever see that face again? Would he be the only one that would actually care? It wasn't just that it was fun - even though it certainly was. This ache wasn't just from wrestling and feuding. It was from that push and that pull. From their banter and their smiles. From touches and words that were never quite as _gentle_ as a part of him wanted. 

Tetsuya would miss _him_. 

Had missed him in all those months Jay had been stuck somewhere else. And even when he'd come home, they had barely had a chance to interact. Definitely not enough time. And the idea that those months could become years?

No.

His eyes suddenly squeezed closed at that thought and he pulled his hat down to hide it. His movements were slow and deliberate and part of him assumed that he would be up and gone as soon as their shoulders touched. But there was nothing. Not a flinch or an insult or a shove. 

Instead, there was an answering bit of pressure as Jay leaned into that tiny point of contact and Tetsuya forced away the errant urge to take Jay's hand in his. He had no idea where that came from, anyway. It quickly returned as he felt the side of Jay's head touch his and stay there. There was the sound of a deep breath being taken but as the moments passed, his breathing seemed to level out. The urge to hold his hand was insistent and soothing and terrifying.

But maybe he could sit here and let Jay rest for a few minutes.

He didn't have anywhere else he wanted to be.

_Don't go._

His hand found Jay's without even looking for it or thinking about it.

_Stay a little longer._

It was warm and right, even if he didn't dare do anything more than place a single finger against the back of Jay's hand.

_Please._


End file.
